makingbabycoutts's Blog

I really am happy here. It still feels a bit like being in two timelines at once, remembering things I'd forgotten, common things living in the country. I see it with my eyes in the hear and now but also remember seeing it so many years ago, too.

Its been almost a year since my last entry. A lot has happened. We moved back to his grandparents farm house. We are very happy & comfortable here. Life is good right now. I am happy. Our daughter is almost 4, we have a house, a real home, to raise her in, around people who will know her last name. We have much remodeling ahead but can make the place however we want. We will grow old here with the house completely full of "home made memories." The garden has been plowed & a store front in town may soon fall into our laps (maybe). Our daughter loves all these new farm experiences! Things like seeing &touching young calves being tagged, having freedom and space to play in a big yard, etc. the only thing missing is a proposal, maybe someday... Other than that, I can't think of anything I can complain about really.

Do not disappoint a woman when it comes to valentines day.
Do not disappoint a woman when it comes to valentines day when she has PMS.
Do not disappoint a woman when it comes to valentines day when she has PMS then repeat the next day!
Do not disappoint a woman when it comes to valentines day when she has PMS then repeat the next day & tell her you wont be home until very late the next night - which tells her there wont be any valentines day again.

That man can't get a holiday right to save his life.

Day 1 - Valentines: no money, get paid tomorrow, it'll be tomorrow
Day 2: bad weather, just came home
Day 3: gotta work late

He made me cry.

it makes me feel sad caue he is ALWAYS butt in the computer chair while I am busy with our kid. I just wish he had more time for us. His ofc is never going to let him though, never.

wondering ifnwhen i'll have sex again. its been so long. i do miss it. my mom comments that we're just room mates and that he is paying for me basically in trade for babysitting.

How many boyfriend/girlfriend relationships do you know where the couple does not share a bed, let alone french kiss, or have ANY sex at all or even flirt. there's no ass grabbing, no cuddling, hardly even touching at all. 

I wonder how long that's supposed to be ok before its not ok.

Not laying blame, just speaking my mind.

Yes I know I am lucky beyond measure to have a man who takes care of his family, but what about the relationship aspect?

His 2 yr old daughter had eye surgery yesterday. His ofc told him he could work from home to help me take care of her today but he went into the ofc anyway. He knew the right thing to do was stay and help me and comfort her but he chose to leave when we needed him most. He basically bailed on us.

Moms birthday is coming up on the 30th (thursday) and she wants to take in dinner and a movie with me. Daddy Coutts is going to be too busy to watch his own kid for 4 hrs. He said "will have to wait & see who's yelling the loudest" I can answer that right now. HE will be when he discovers he's paid $50 or more for a teenager to babysit. He can watch her or he can pay for someone else to do it but he's NOT getting out of it by being too busy, not this time. Yes it sucks but after everything my mother has done for us, and getting him a fathers day present & $100 cash he owes her this much. She will be personally offended (and so will I) if he can't squeeze out 4 hrs somewhere in his busy schedule to allow her to celebrate her birthday with me.

Catching a glimpse of just how much toddler time is on me yet? When the childs father can't watch her for 4 hrs at any point in a week, you get an idea just how much time *I* get away from baby duty.

If I sound like a bitch right now it's cause I'm tired, cranky, and it's been a long day. But I am genuinely irritated that he can't grant this one request. Whenever he says "we'll see" it means "No but I'm going to stall for more time before I have to say no"

There isn't a mother alive that doesn't feel like she is being driven slowly insane by her toddler so why should I be any different?

I am constantly on baby duty, with no breaks from the demands, the messes, the diapers, the wet panties, the bottles, the tantrums, the nagging to give her this or do that, the all day long "don't open the fridge, get out of the trash, don't turn on the dishwasher, leave the stove alone, don't touch the cable box, get down from your fathers desk, leave the plug ins alone, don't throw your food, quit climbing on the table, stop spitting your out on the floor, get off the bathroom counter, get out of the kitchen while I'm cooking, get out of the drawers," and on and on and on... I don't think he realises this. I don't think he really knows what it feels like to be the one dealing with that all day every day.

It's not his fault, and I'm not blaming him, but a little understanding would help - as opposed to storming out.

A woman needs to vent, to say what she feels, because it  makes her feel a little bit better. When my two year old is being a "terrible two" in every sense, and I am worn down by the high maintenance time intensive demands I'm absolutely normal in feeling like I could lose my mind if I don't get away from her. It is reasonable, understandable and NORMAL. And if expressing that is offensive then he is interpreting it as a lack of gratitude for how good I have it and thinking I do not appreciate what he does to provide for us.

Truth be told I am more grateful than I can say and appreciate all the hard work & exhausting hrs he puts in, the lack of sleep,, the work stress, they graying hairs and the liberties he grants us every single day, though I don't take the time to tell him like i should. he likely feels used up and sucked dry and taken for granted, as though nothing will be enough, too many demands on one man without enough time in the day to please eveyrone. He likely thinks I don't care when I care a great deal. I'm not just very good at showing it.

I can feel all these things, and still feel like I am over my head in "toddler" and it has nothing to do with HM. It's a Toddler Mom thing.

I understand why moms like wine. I'm one of them. There are times when a single glass of wine is medicinal. I don't mean drunken moms, lushes and alcoholics - that's gross & dangerous. But there are times when a single glass takes just a little bit of the stressed out edge off without intoxicating me, and actually helps me to relax enough to be a better mom. Fortunately, it's also healthy for me. I don't drink the one glass a day the experts recommend, but I think in the long run the red wine I do drink will ward off illnesses (both physical & mental/emotional).

Because I don't want to break the bank I drink only Trader Joe's Charles Shaw wine as it is only $2.00 a bottle (vs the $10 to $20 bottles sold in the other stores). It tastes good & I get at least 2 or 3 glasses of wine per bottle. It's cheaper than soda and much better for me - in moderation of course.

I'd folded a big basket of clothes & set them on the bed to put away after she'd finished dinner but when I came out of the kitchen I saw the empty basket on the living room floor & the clothes dumped out into a big pile on the bed. I just had to walk away. And here's the kicker... she didn't even eat the dinner that distracted me from the laundry. It was BBQ chicken, mashed potatoes & gravy, beanie wheenies & buttered bread triangles.

I came back inside, put the clothes away, refolding what had been undone & helped her go pee on her toilet after she'd had a potty accident. I changed her & got her cleaned up. She was sitting on her fathers bed being good so I went outside for another smoke, not so much for the cigarette as for the few minutes of time without her all over me. I heard a commotion of her crying and him yelling at her so I came back in, just in time to hear him bitterly spit out "Thanks a lot"

That pissed me off because I handle her and her high maintenance, mess making, tantrum throwing, demanding moods every minute of every, day in and day out. And he's gotta get bitter over less than 7 minutes of it? Cause that's how long I was out there. *shaking head*

He walks in & tells me all about his long, hard day, speaking quickly while the toddler is wanting my attention then after unloading he walks off never having asked me about my day. Don't get me wrong, I like hearing him talk to me (even if half the work stuff he says means nothing to me - computer jibberish). I'm just happy to have a few minutes where he's "with me" instead of working. But every once in a while, it would be nice if I got the chance to unload, too.

We hadn't had sex in months so I thought I would give it a try. He didn't get even a little bit hard, not at all. I wasn't disappointed or upset though because I kinda thought that's what would happen.

His erectile dysfunction is not his fault but he does have control over whether or not he gets his medical insurance in order & goes to a doctor. I know he is pressed for time, but when something is important you make the time eventually. I think the reason he hasn't pursued it is because he is scared and would rather not think about it.

There was a time when he bragged about his sexual prowess but now it's become the white elephant in the room. I've been as understanding, compassionate & patient as I can but eventually the mans just gotta face his fear & consult a physician. Unfortunately, this isn't something that I can do for him. All I can do is wait for him to do what a mans gotta do.

He wasn't able to get me anything for Mothers Day because we were overdrawn. I cant be mad at him cause it's my fault for spending too much in grocery stores

don't encourage her to fix you breakfast while you sit at the computer, offer to make her breakfast while she sits in front of the computer, don't watch tv while she does dishes, do dishes while she watches tv, do for her what she does for you.

Had a day to myself. Channeled my "inner man" by eating some bacon, watching some porn, getting a bit tipsy, & getting off. That's about it. Still a bit buzzed. Buzzed baking is more fun than non-buzzed baking. Baked a bunch of peanut butter cookies. yeah bacon and peanut butter cookies do not smell good together. I feel a little icky now cause I ate greasy bacon and I never touch pork. Dunno what got into me, just the man in me coming out I guess. And in true man fashion, I'm ready for a nap now. Cooking a burger though so I'll wait til I've eaten that then take a nap. Sex and a full tummy, yeah thats my inner man alright.

Stole time to see about lovin up on Daddy Coutts tonight but he was watching a game so it didn't happen. Making the opportunity is difficult because he comes home tired, then I'm busy with dinner and the kid, then getting her to bed, and by the time that is done, one of us is ready for bed.

I see him laying in bed beside me, something that hasn't happened in a while, not since the move, and I can smell his "man smell stuff" (his soap, deodorant, etc) and I want to reach for him, touch him, nuzzle in his scent, just feel him close against me.

I'm not tryin to jump his bones, though that may happen were I to be physically close with him like that. I'm just wanting some "mommy - daddy" time, man to woman style - if that makes sense.I wont pressure him or bug him or even bring it up to him. He's busy and over worked, and I have my hands full too with tot and the house and the daily duties of things I take care of here. But when I see him I ache to be near him without feeling that weird awkwardness of what happens next.

Yeah I heard you in there sayin "cause she's two" under your breath when I was having trouble with her tonight...

We've had this conversation before. Do you really want to have it again?

Sleeping with your toddler...

We have a routine where we crawl into the bed & I read her favorite bedtime stories to her, then when it's time to go to sleep, I turn off her light and hop back into bed beside her. She gets upset that the light is off but quickly quiets down as I whisper everything she got to see and do and learn during the day. It gives her something to imagine and picture as she falls asleep and provides a comforting, reassuring voice beside her in the darkness. One drawback to this however that has popped up has been her increased dependency and clinginess to me. When I am not home she whines something awful for me. I don't think we will have that big a problem gently weening her from co-sleeping to independent sleeping, and think the clinginess will subside in time as she gets more comfortable in her new home.

Personally, I am glad my daughter has a queen size bed of her own because there is plenty of room for me and her both. I've been going night night with her in her room since we moved in. It has seemed to help us both to fall asleep with less worry. I wake and feel her curled up against me, and am reassured that all is well. I'll wake again in the wee hrs after he has left for work and go crawl into our bed for a few hrs until I wake up again, usually a few hrs before she does. I love the closeness, the cuddling, hearing her breathing and opening my sleepy eyes to see her sleeping safe and sound. I think she likes it just as much as I do.

The other night she started rubbing her hand across my upper chest the same way my mother used to rub her hands on me when I was her age, and I knew my mom had been doing the same loving, reassuring chest and back rubs to her. It was so affectionate and loving of her, and showed how much love and affection she has been shown in that vulnerable and frightening period right before sleep.

In an online article I read that in Western societies, toddlers typically sleep alone. But there doesn't seem to be any health or development benefit to solitary sleep, and some recent studies show the opposite is true. Researchers around the world have discovered that children who sleep share are more independent, more outgoing, and more confident. As adults, they have higher self-esteem, better stress-management skills, and are more comfortable with intimacy than adults who slept alone as young children.

Slept well in her bed - both of us. I was comforted and put completely at ease being able to see and hear her beside me. She woke thirsty once or twice but that was all. **Note to self** BUY MORE OVERNIGHT BABY DIAPERS

I woke 8 hrs after crawling into bed beside her. Her door was noisy again, the floors were cold. **Note to self** RUGS!

I noticed her room is colder than the master bedroom, too. She sleeps close to the window and cold air comes through. **Note to self** LEARN FURNACE SETTINGS

The microwave door is really loud, too.

It's still dark & cold out here. He's at work & she's sleeping. I am aking up wrapped in a cozy throw blanket with a good cup of coffee... listening to the silence, enjoying the glow of tea light candles on the mantle nich.

We do not smoke in the house, so I sit here on the cold concrete patio to smoke wishing I had a set of table and chairs, hearing the birds, keeping an ear tuned to hear her wake. Her door is open and she can come out whenever she wants. I have the living room blinds open so I can see her come out if she wakes while I'm on the patio.

The hall is angled so I can't see her door from the bedroom but I can hear her when she walks on the hard floor and she can see the light of the open bedroom. I expect she will wake and fuss for a moment, then get her bearings and sit up. I'll hear her before she gets out of bed.

I'm looking forward to our morning bubble bath together. While sitting in the bathroom I made a mental note of where her new toddler toilet will go. We are both looking forward to her getting her own toilet. We tried using the seat that goes on top of adult toilets with a step stool but she never took to it. **Note to self** BUY TODDLER TOILET ASAP

Well, we did it. Got it done & are now spending the night in "our" new place. Instead of a toddler bed, or even a twin bed, our lucky little girl has herself her very own QUEEN SIZE BED!

She sobbed somethin terrible when she saw her Dora the Explorer kitchen being taken away. I did my best to explain but she was terribly distraught. She cried so hard she gave herself the hiccups. We made sure everything was set up perfectly for her, then brought her over.

When she walked in and saw the new place she was all smiles. Then she walked into HER room & saw all her familiar, favorite things and oh the smile on her face was wonderful! She was so happy she could've burst with it! I pointed out the bed to her & explained that this was HER bed, all hers. She was so beside herself that she HUGGED THE BED! It didn't take her long to figure out how much fun it was to jump on it, either *grins*

I like it better than where we were but we cant really make it out own or personalize it much because of Jamie (the owner). We will still make it ours in our own way without intruding too much. I've set up a Catholic shrine in the niche above the fireplace. I rearranged what was already here to suit my preferences and needs, especially in the kitchen. I put our own sheets on the bed and put hers away, and he set up a tv on the dresser across the bedroom so it can be seen it from the bed, The large corner desk unit that was in the room we turned into her room was put in the master bedroom so he can work and play behind closed doors without her walking in on him. He can turn in early and close the door behind him if she is having a rough night and the two of us are still struggling to get her down to bed.

Gonna put a tv in her room so we can cuddle together at night in her new huge queen size bed watching our favorite shows together talking about what we see (the way her and her grandmother always did when they shared grandmas bed - she left emmys cribside down so that emmy could choose which she wanted to sleep in)

As far as the bathrooms go, he "broke it in" by crapping in "his" bathroom and the tot & I broke the other one in by taking the longest, most wonderful bubble bath/shower ever. 

whew, just had a close call! When I cracked open her door I discovered how loud her doorknob is in the silence of night, and that the floorboards make noise when I walk. I stopped, frozen in place as I heard her sigh in her sleep, bracing for that familiar "ba-ba" whine (when she wants her bottle) but instead I heard a loud toy turn on playing energetic happy music and flashing lights right next to her head... she had rolled over onto it. Petrified that would wake her I rushed to grab the bottle so she would go back to sleep but miraculously, she slept through it all, then didnt even stir when I crawled up her bed and snatched the toy. Somehow, the toy knew I was taking it away and said "bye bye" on our way out the bedroom (I hadnt touched any of it's "button spots"). She is sleeping very soundly because she didnt get a nap and had such a long, emotional day.

I will crawl into bed beside her when I turn in for the night. I will sleep in her room with her until I have a feel for how cold her room is, the outside sounds that filter in through the closed window, etc. I want to be close so she doesnt get scared and I dont want to be in "our" room and not hear her in hers.Once I know she is acclimated and well adjusted I will move back into ours and sleep beside him.

Tomorrow we will spend time in "our" room while he is at work because the tv in the living room isnt working for some reason and we have to get a repairman to tell us how much to fix it we have other tv sets but this one is worth saving. She loves her Nick Jr cartoons and wont be very happy if she cant watch spongebob, dora, bubble guppies or tuff puppy. I want her to have what is comforting and familiar right now.

We have a routine that works well for us. Spongebob during breakfast, Dora while I clean the mess from breakfast and get myself ready, Bubble Guppies over lunch, and T.U.F.F. Puppy signals she will soon get another shower and a nap. Somewhere in there we usually fit in a stroller ride and/or a walk before lunch.

Tomorrow we will begin the process of teaching her where this place is, taking her on walks around the complex so she knows her way around with me when we go out. Ma said it was so if she ever got out she could find her way home, and I was like say what and then I put a baby proof door knob on the front door. The thought of her getting out and roaming alone is more than terrifying to me to say the least.

It is hard for me to sleep tonight because I feel the need to be on guard, no idea why. New place mommy protection syndrome I guess. This set up goes against my mammal instinct. We put our young in the deeper part of the house, presumably to protect them from intruders. But her room is the very front bedroom and the master is deeper in. Gonna put a very strong wood stick (his sawed off hockey stick) in her bedroom window.

I had to close her bedroom door tonight to get her to crawl into bed and give sleep a chance because she was over tired, over stimulated, and wasnt going to go down with me in the room as a source of entertainment - though we both thought it was funny when she learned she could sit on my head and slide down my slick clean hair. I didnt let her see me smile.
 

I need to be able to close and open her door quietly for times like this so I can't put a bell on her door to alert me to an intruder, and he needs to be able to slip out early in the morning without waking her so I can not put one on the front door. Just gonna have to adjust to the nw place and put my mind at ease the best I can until I get acclimated, too.