makingbabycoutts's Blog

I'm irked, irritated, at a habit of his that's not only just plain rude but quickly becoming a pet peeve of mine.

We will be talking and then suddenly he stops my end of the conversation. Once he has the info he wants from me he basically blows me off and tries to get me to shut up because he no longer cares what I have to say.

His words about the no longer caring what I have to say part, not mine. I asked why he does that. That was his answer. How selfish and rude. I still can't believe he said that. I told him I felt dismissed, blown off, cut off mid sentence. He didn't care. Excuse me?

I listen to what he has to say even when I want to dismiss him and just leave, even if it's something he's told me several times before or something he knows I don't care about. I listen anyways even if I'm just waiting him out. He throws a temper tantrum if I don't pay close enough attention to what he has to say yet he can't give me the same courtesy? I don't even get the common courtesy of finishing my sentence before he decides I'm done talking.

We "kissed & made up" so-to-speak. She is in bed. The house is silent. I'm exhausted but hopeful, and relieved to a certain degree.

Here is a tip for all of you men out there. When your woman has PMS and is barely holding herself together you might want to postpone complaining about her to her. DUH

I thought he was done finding shit to bitch at me about but I guess not. Now he's pissy over a damned chair of all things. For crying out loud fine, here, I'll not only move the damned chair I'll put it where it can't possibly get in your way. I'll even clean off the table (course he'll find a reason to get mad about that, too, just wait and see).

How else can I make you happy today dear? Is there anything else I can get you, do for you, offer you, clean up for you, remove for you, not do, do differently, do more often, do less, take your pick.

I hope whatever the hell crawled up his ass finds its way out soon cause I'm doin my best here despite cramps, boating, fatigue, anxiety, depression, etc etc etc (all the joys of PMS) and tryin not to take it out on him or anyone else.

It doesn't help though when he makes me feel like a target trying to predict what he may come at me with next.

You guys prolly think he's the biggest son of a bitch there ever was. Look, I say it here cause to say it to him would only instigate a fight. I vent here, ok?

I HAVE PMS AND IF DADDY COUTTS DOESNT BACK THE FUCK OFF OF ME WITH THAT PISSY ATTITUDE HE'S HAD ALL DAMNED DAY I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I'M GONNA START THROWING THINGS.

ITS A GOOD THING HE'S SICK OR HE'D CATCH MORE THAN JUST A CHILLY SHOULDER. I AM TOO PISSED OFF TO EVEN LIST ALL OF THE MANY WAYS IN WHICH HIS ATTITUDE HAS MADE ME MAD TODAY.

I HAVE BITTEN MY TONGUE. HE GIVES A DIRTY LOOK.

I HAVE TAKEN THE BABY AWAY FOR A DRIVE JUST TO GIVE HIM SOME TIME TO HIMSELF. HE GIVES ME SHIT ABOUT WHERE I WENT.

I HAVE OFFERED HIM MEALS SEVERAL TIMES. HE DIDN'T WANT ANY.

I HAVE GONE ABOVE AND BEYOND IN MY EFFORTS TO PLEASE DOODLES FOR HIS SAKE SO HE WOULDNT HAVE TO HEAR HER FUSS - EVEN THOUGH I REALLY WANTED TO GET AWAY FROM HER. HE PAID NO ATTENTION TO MY EXTRA EFFORTS WITH HER.

I EVEN TRIED TO MAKE US LOOK BETTER FOR HIM. HE DIDN'T SAY A WORD ABOUT THE NEW CLOTHES.

I WOULD HAVE WORN MAKE UP BUT I EXPECTED THAT I WOULD SPEND ANOTHER DAY CRYING.

I KNOW THAT I AM HYPERSENSITIVE BECAUSE OF THE PMS. THAT IS WHY I AM TRYING SO GOD DAMNED HARD. IT WOULD BE NICE IF IT WASN'T IN VAIN.

PLEASE STOP FINDING THINGS TO YELL AT ME ABOUT

Ray cheats on his girlfriend. I've lost all respect for him.

I couldn't believe my ears when Daddy Coutts told me that ray told him he'd fucked this tiny chick a couple of times (as she walked away from the store). Suddenly he remembers his cell phone is on the counter. He had been talking to his girlfriend but put her on hold to help some customers then forgot about her. Some boyfriend huh.

It's creepy how someone can be so good natured and amicable while hiding such a rotten conscience. I guess if you spend enough time ignoring your conscience it gets easier. Think about that for a minute. How scary is that shit?

If a person gets good enough at it they turn into the kind of person who can deceive someone, then brush aside the guilt later and carry on as though nothing happened. Doesn't take a genius to figure out ya can't trust that kind of person.

It'll be hard to look at him knowing he does this and is ok with doing it. I'll look at him and all that pretty boy charm will melt away revealing the ugliness beneath. I'll have to look at that and give no sign whatsoever, no steely gaze, no tension in my voice. More than that I'll be expected to continue as though I didn't know, which I can and will do.

I'm just so disappointed in him. I really thought he was a better person than that. I get a knot in my stomach thinking about this subject so I'm gonna go now.

Ugh... cringes.

I got up at 6, Doodles woke an hour later. I could hear her babbling to herself and moving around in her crib but I let her be. She was fine. She was still waking up. I waited for the babble to turn into an irritated or "ready for me" sound.

I help her get up from her crib by turning her to her stomach then lifting her into a more upright position while she pushes up with her legs. She always seems proud of herself when she stands.

Anyways, I hugged her and rocked her for a minute before changing her. Looks like I got her back from moms just in time. Diaper rash had started again.

I gave her a bottle about 45 minutes ago. We played together with her light up toys. I held her for awhile and she said "ma ma" over and over. It was nice. She strained towards the tv and her toys so I put her down on the floor in the front room on a super plush blanket. We played on the floor some more together.

Wow, out of nowhere I'm feeling sick to my stomach and have a headache, like motion sickness.

So, which holiday leaves us with the most candy the day after? Christmas with all those candy canes and chocolate santas? Easter with all those cadbury eggs and chocolate bunnies? Halloween with all that sickenly sweet candy corn? Valentines day with all those mint word imprinted hearts that break your teeth when you bite them?

So much candy, no wonder I'm shaped like a candy apple. :)

Oh that poor man. He had to make the drive 40 minutes north to my mothers to pick up the baby, drive her back, then get ready for class tonight before driving to class and back again. He didn't even get a chance to take a shower because his father called needing help on the computer.

He had to have known on some level that he would end up doing it because I'm not proficient in baby carseat transfer and installation. I knew I would end up calling him from her house and telling him I couldn't figure it out, him trying to explain it on the phone, mother hearing him get frustrated at me and seeing me get frustrated at him, meanwhile Doodles is sitting in her car seat on the sidewalk while I wrestle with the straps and whatnot. Then finally giving up and leaving her there while I go back to the condo to drop off the car so he can make the drive up there anyways and do it himself. Yeah I don't think we really want to experience that memory.

It sucked for him but he was more understanding about it than I expected. I thought he'd try to get out of it and complain and pressure me and so on but he didn't. I felt guilty, which I'm sure he didn't completely object to, but it was the course of action that made the most sense.

He's in class now, headin home soon. I hope he wants to hop on this one and play Crossfire with his friends so I can go curl up in bed with the laptop. I'm ready to start the cozy part of the day.

We made it to the cliffs and were treated to a wonderful sunset. I was waitin for him to kiss me but he didn't so I kissed him. I'm more liberal with my kisses than he is. Nothing right or wrong, just the way we are.

Anyways, we really liked it there. I can see myself going back alone with tea light candles and a soft blanket. We came upon a nice hidden niche that was perfect. It had little dug out spots in the side where it went into the top of the cliff that were flat on top and perfect for putting the tea lights in. It's one place you don't want to sleep, that's for sure. It's very dangerous there.

After the sunset we ate big $10.00 burgers at Hodads. They were very busy and we waited a long time. While waiting in the line outside there was a man who played nice guitar music for whatever people put in his bucket. I expected annoying folk music but I liked what he played. I should have given him a tip but I was being stingy. Still had a haunted house to cover yet.

Hardly anyone had their order when we were seated. We waited and waited as they served the people to the left and right of us. The gals onion rings smelled so good that I still kinda want them even now. She saw his order come and said "I wanna see ya eat that" as his huge double cheeseburger basket flopped onto the table. It was greasy unhealthy food but it was goooood and we ate our fill.

Afterwards we made our way to Downtown for the haunted house. $4.00 for parking, yikes! We walk down and wait for them to open. We waited and waited and waited but they never opened the doors. We were there standing on the curb for at least 40 minutes. Their flyer said they were open THROUGH Nov 1st, implying they were open ON Nov 1st but I don't think they were. They had left a stroke light on in one of the upstairs areas and Daddy Coutts could see it flashing so it looked like they intended to open. We just got tired of waiting and left. That was going to be my very first haunted house with him. I was a little disappointed because I was looking forward to it. It looked like a ton of fun. I'd never seen a 3D under water themed haunted house before. Oh well. Next year. Maybe next year we can take her with us. Maybe.

We were so glad to be home, lemme tell ya. We both just wanted to relax. I crawled into comfy sweats and a t shirt, he slid outta his clothes (save his boxers) and we both unwound in front of opposite computers. It was ok though because we were mutually content with the arrangement.

He came into the bedroom frequently. Once pressing himself against me in a slightly provocative way while showing me something on the laptop. I got a tingle of excitement mixed with somethin else - nervousness. I dunno, it's like it's been so long that now those kinds of touches feel unfamiliar, like the first time, even though I know it's not and I should be familiar with his touch.

I get that first time nervousness instead of that old comfortable familiarity and knowledge that feel like an old shoe or your favorite jeans. Some things are so familiar like breathing, like holding my daughter, or seeing his face. But then there are other things, like the first time your new boyfriend french kisses you, the first time he finds a way to tell you he wants sex without actually coming out and saying it, etc where you're nervous on some level. I felt like that when he pressed against me.

Now now now I'm not sayin anything about how long it's been or anything like that cause that's not what this is about. I'm just describing what I felt at the time, that's all, so don't go readin more into this than is there. 

For a moment I contemplated whether or not I was too tired to "stoke the fire" and get somethin goin. I fell asleep before coming to a decision on it. I was pooped. I was comfortable and happy so it didn't even matter that we didn't fool around. I still had a good time and a good birthday.

Once I finish up this load of laundry I'll go with him while Daddy Coutts gets a hair cut then we will walk next door to Ross and get some clothes with the $100 ma sent me. We will return and I will do some more laundry then Daddy Coutts and I are going to go to the cliffs at the beach to watch the sun set. We will stop and eat at this one really good surf themed place before heading to downtown for a haunted house. We'll finish the haunted house then return home.

It sounds like a lot of fun. I dress differently for a haunted house in downtown than I do for a trip to the beach area. I don't know what to wear. I dont know what I have that I CAN wear to Ross to GET clothes to wear. :)

Ok, so it's my birthday and the obligatory "Happy Birthday" msgs start to come in. I'm tickled pink at first then notice that not even one of these "friends" has returned a call from me in months. Not one has responded to my emails or text msgs or anything.

How is it that they think sending one Happy Birthday msg somehow erases the other 364 days of neglect? If you can't be bothered to speak to me the rest of the time please don't bother now cause we both know you aren't really wishing me a happy birthday, you're wishing yourself a clean conscience.

Welcome to November 1st, my birthday.

Doodles is spending the weekend at her grandmothers so that Daddy Coutts and I can have the weekend off unencumbered. The plan was to take her up to her grandmothers then go out to a haunted house in downtown.

I got to thinking about it though. I pictured the crazy busy hustle and bustle of downtown traffic, made even more dangerous by all the one way wrong way no left turn no right turn streets. Then there are all the bright car lights from oncoming traffic and oblivious pedestrians in all black jay walking and darting from in between all the parked cars lining the streets.

I thought about what a nightmare parking would be. Provided there was any to be had at all it would likely be far away and cost more than we wanted to pay. Once we had tackled all of that we would be standing in line for a long time.

Now, those of you who have been reading these blogs for a while know enough about Daddy Coutts to know he HATES absolutely HATES traffic. He will curse and huff and puff. It used to make me nervous but now I just take it in stride because he gets over it once he's home. I thought about what condition he would be in after navigating through the drunk drivers, the pedestrians, the crazy streets and the parking lot jungle.

He also hates waiting. He can be patient when he wants to be but most of the time he doesn't feel like being patient. I'm not complaining, but it did play a role in my decision to go out last night. I knew that he would already be frustrated and irritable even before getting to the long line that would no doubt be wrapped around the building by the time we got to it.

Do not misunderstand. I am not blaming him for us not going out. I am glad we stayed in. I decided to stay in because everything we were going to downtown for was still going to be there tonight and with much less of the halloween crowd and hassle. It just seemed easier and less stressful. Isn't the first time I've celebrated a holiday the day after :)

I ended up sleeping instead and believe you me that felt wonderful. I needed that.

He wakes her then leaves and runs to Rays. I hushed him, I shushed him, I even asked him and yet he still woke her up because he doesn't know how to talk quietly. I was just about to lay down for a nap, too.

He is watching her now that he is back from Rays. I'll get a nap afterall. Yeay!

This is my favorite part of the day, after she has gone to bed, when we can do whatever we want.

Pretty much doin the same thing tonight I did last night, coffee, pie, computer, cigarettes and tv.

She said something that sounded like DADA DADA earlier today. I don't know for sure 100% that that's really what she said. I'm holding off on telling Daddy Coutts until I can get her to do it more, hopefully in front of him so he can hear and see it for himself. Otherwise I'll tell him about it and she wont do it, just like with the crawling.