makingbabycoutts's Blog

Coming back from my moms today I came to the exit ramp leading from the road I was on to the office where all my "old friends" still work. I considered taking that exit and paying them a last visit. It was easier than I expected to just keep on drivin. A good sign that while I may never have the closure I want, I can still put it behind me by focusing on the present instead of the past.

after several days of crying i am exhausted. today my daughter made me cry. i had to go scream into pillows.

wrecked, i looked into the mirror. noticing we have too many mirrors. pale, bags under my eyes, red lids, red eyes, tears in my eyes.... looking through tears into my eyes reflecting back i felt time shutting down, or was it me, I dunno. I pulled away and felt too heavy to move. reached that point where the fatigue and stress and wear and tear of days and days of it made me feel like Frankenstein, artificially re-animated walking dead.

Will be ok, just tired.

Oh yeah, and we're making last minute arrangements to fly to missouri on thursday for a few weeks. -deep breath-

I cried myself to sleep night a few nights ago because I was so full of despair and dejection. I cried yesterday when I opened the mail. Then I cried myself to sleep last night.

I am so lonely. It hurts. I opened the internet and saw everyone was partying and having a great time. Course, I wasn't invited.

CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME? IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE? I feel like that scene in the movie I Am Legend where he hasn't had another person to talk to in so long that he starts to break down and beg mannequins to talk to him, to just say hello to him. I feel exactly like that.

I am banging against a shatterproof sound proof window begging for help but no one even bothers to take a passing glance as they walk on by. I give up, slouching down against the window and just cry, one hand still raised against the window.

Received a birthday card in the mail. Thought it was from a friend. I got all excited and opened it thinking someone cared but it was junk mail. It was a belated birthday card (my birthday was 10 days ago) from an Aflac rep that came to the ofc years ago.

I cried. It hurt so bad to feel so disappointed, hurt, abandoned, and not even told why. I can only assume it's because I had a baby cause that is all that changed.

I wish I had a champion to make them all feel guilty for bailing on me when I needed a friend most, after always being there for all of them.

I am feeling abandoned and betrayed by friends who haven't spoken to me since the baby, 10 months ago.

I invested so much time, energy, effort and even money on occasion into some of these friendships thinking I was nurturing a long-term relationship. But then when I needed them everyone vanished, and I do mean EVERYONE.

That's when I knew I didn't have friends. I had leaches, people who act like your friend so they can get something from you. I think back to all the times we laughed and it stings because the joke was on me the entire time, I just didn't know it.

I was good to them, I really was. And now I'm alone and they've moved on to other targets.

When a man makes the transition from boyfriend to husband he also makes the transition from clean sheets to sheets with the occasional female-stain. It happens. Us girls are used to it and while it's not something we usually talk about, we have all at one time or another pulled back the sheets and discovered the stain.

when a man first finds himself face to face with something he's been able to not think about his entire life, well, it's not surprising they tend to recoil. Women seeing this in turn feel humiliated.

Remember the movie Carrie? That whole movie is one giant play on societies views regarding menstruation. We are taught to feel disgusted, to be repulsed by something our body is doing that we have no control over.

Men have a more primal fear. They fear blood on their penis. Even if it isn't theirs, the sight is scary to them. Men are fascinated by the female genitalia and can't get into it fast enough or often enough in most cases but come that time of the month they won't touch ya with a 10 foot pole. Men who don't fear or feel any discomfort whatsoever with blood and guts, gore and violence, can suddenly become timid as mice at the thought.

Why is this? Why did society decide this was bad, gross, ugly? Why are we supposed to be ashamed and embarrassed? I don't understand.

This is the blood from whence you came, the blood of life from whence all things come.

So he comes into the kitchen and happens upon my comb. Seeing all this hair in it, he asks me about it. I told him that it was stress, and that when women stress their hair falls out. I told him the stress was why I had been waking up crying at night etc.

I realized he might think I was blaming him or something so I tried to make light of it sayin that when it happens to men its called male pattern baldness and when it happens to women its called stress.

I am stressed because of the PMS. I have horrible cramps, feel like a beached whale with boat so big I have to wear fat pants, etc.

a long, hard day

Daddy Coutts has become the guy that wants someone to talk to but doesn't actually want you to have a conversation with him.

He acts like he is starting a conversation, but don't believe it. Don't make the mistake of thinking he wants you to take part too, cause he doesn't. He's talking TO you, AT you but not with you.

When it comes to conversing, he only cares about what's important to HIM so I don't bother trying to talk about what's important to me. I guess I'll just sit there til he's done and hope he says something interesting to ME, too.

What else am I supposed to do? Can't talk cause he doesn't care what I have to say and thinks it's unimportant, can't leave cause he'll throw a temper tantrum like a little brat, can't do anything BUT just sit there! 

I used to be able to speak freely with him, talk about whatever, it was nice. It's a shame that he had to go piss on it. Now I have to second guess if what I have to say is important enough to warrant his time, engaging enough to hold his attention, etc.

And thanks a lot dude for making me feel so god damned unimportant! I don't deserve that.

Ya know, it's funny, he'll blabber on and on and on and on, then switch subjects a few times, then casually stroll back around to the first thing he was talking about, then get lost in his thoughts, then find them and repeat the whole thing all over again. But I'm supposed to be as concise as possible, preferably 2 sentences or less.

I have no one to talk to. No one cares what I have to say. I feel so lonely now.

I'm so sad. It's the like a quiet inside cry that doesn't make it to the surface but still manages to grab me by the throat.

Daddy Coutts made me a very sad woman today. I don't feel like talking anymore.

No one is listening anyways.

I'm irked, irritated, at a habit of his that's not only just plain rude but quickly becoming a pet peeve of mine.

We will be talking and then suddenly he stops my end of the conversation. Once he has the info he wants from me he basically blows me off and tries to get me to shut up because he no longer cares what I have to say.

His words about the no longer caring what I have to say part, not mine. I asked why he does that. That was his answer. How selfish and rude. I still can't believe he said that. I told him I felt dismissed, blown off, cut off mid sentence. He didn't care. Excuse me?

I listen to what he has to say even when I want to dismiss him and just leave, even if it's something he's told me several times before or something he knows I don't care about. I listen anyways even if I'm just waiting him out. He throws a temper tantrum if I don't pay close enough attention to what he has to say yet he can't give me the same courtesy? I don't even get the common courtesy of finishing my sentence before he decides I'm done talking.

We "kissed & made up" so-to-speak. She is in bed. The house is silent. I'm exhausted but hopeful, and relieved to a certain degree.

Here is a tip for all of you men out there. When your woman has PMS and is barely holding herself together you might want to postpone complaining about her to her. DUH

I thought he was done finding shit to bitch at me about but I guess not. Now he's pissy over a damned chair of all things. For crying out loud fine, here, I'll not only move the damned chair I'll put it where it can't possibly get in your way. I'll even clean off the table (course he'll find a reason to get mad about that, too, just wait and see).

How else can I make you happy today dear? Is there anything else I can get you, do for you, offer you, clean up for you, remove for you, not do, do differently, do more often, do less, take your pick.

I hope whatever the hell crawled up his ass finds its way out soon cause I'm doin my best here despite cramps, boating, fatigue, anxiety, depression, etc etc etc (all the joys of PMS) and tryin not to take it out on him or anyone else.

It doesn't help though when he makes me feel like a target trying to predict what he may come at me with next.

You guys prolly think he's the biggest son of a bitch there ever was. Look, I say it here cause to say it to him would only instigate a fight. I vent here, ok?